if i concentrate really hard; if i project my wishes, dreams, desires through thought; the things i really want in myself and in my life, will they come true? can i create my own reality? i think its this simple but you have to be ready.
there's something far greater at work then meets the eye and if your ready to embrace its power its ready for you to enjoy. over the last few months, since my integration in an ashram in india i have started to envision what i want out of life. how i want to feel eachday. the sort of relationships i want to be apart of. how i want to treat others and be treated. how important the wellbeing of my body is and how i take care of my body. the sort of work environment thats healthy for my spirit. my present life. my present self. these last few days have been extrememly important to me. the relationship im presently envisioning to work on is with my sister. we just spent the weekend together in LA; one on one, pure quality bonding, an intimacy which hasnt happened in many years. sure, we've seen on another and hung out (her living in cali makes it a bit tricky), had tele convo's and sent telegrams but as for quality bonding, da nada. before i flew out i started to envision how i wished my sister and i could be. i pictured us laughing and hanging out, going for long walks and eating yummy food. i envisioned us going for a run and sitting by the firplace. my visions came true this weekend and im really thankful. my visions came true because i want this. i am ready to improve, work on, be present in and share myself with my sister. do you have a relationship in your life right now thats not positive? are you committed and care enough, firstly within yourself and secondly towards the other person to envision it improving? if you are, envision how you'd like the relationship to be. i think its super important to come to terms with your differences first and foremost on your own. the other person must be forgiven as does yourself on your own so its safe place to build on. no expectations. simply love. if your going to approach the other with harsh words and aggressive energy ..."you did this....you made me feel this way....i still cant believe you..." forget it. dont even bother. your not ready or willing to go there. your too focused on yourself, who's right and the upper hand. im talking pure forgiveness. pure love. its almost like you pick up from where you left off when you were bestfriends. when you trusted one another completely and would give up the last bite just to see them smile.
a little while back i did some spiritual healing, something i like to do a few times a year. its super intense and risky because you never know how deep deep really is until you surrender to an energy reader. through its practicing i forgave myself for being the little shithead rebel i was to my sister. when i was young i hated being told what to do and unfortunately my sister was left to care for me as mom and dad galivanted around the city and the world. i was wild. im talking dropping acid at 13 while burning down the driveway in dads car; in saying louder then loud music out of dads grammy award winning stereo system with red wine stains on his immaculate carpet; b-t's in the backyard with friends she'd never met. the whole nine yards. where the wild things are. scooby doo where are you. polk a dot door... polkaroo. those actions affected my sister's life in a negative way, i on the other hand was having the time of my life. at that age i didnt know any better but as im growing into my own, reflection shows that time doesnt heal hurt wounds and no matter how much time goes on relationships have no connecyion with time. they lie dormant as time ticks on until you resolve them, until you face them at the core. relationships stay in the exact same spot, with the exact same intensities until someone/ something changes its dimensions. you have to be ready. you have to envision the change and believe in the vision. if your ready, if you want to improve your life, it time you envision how you want your relationships to be; with others and ultimately with yourself.improving your relationships improves your quality of life. there's no better time then now. catch me if you can 0x
Monday, March 8, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
family
i'm youre family. youre my family. family has been my start and will be my end. its the old saying, " family's family." no matter what we try to get away from or how hard we try to work on with our family, our family is our family and each component to our family exists and will always be. have you ever thought, "if only my dad was this way or, if my sister wasnt my sister i'm not sure we'd be friends; my mom's so annoying and, i'm turning out just like her." my thoughts tonight come in due time to the trip im embarking upon tomorrow. i fly to spend quality time with my sister whom i havent been one on one with for 6 years. i love my sister. i'd do anything at anytime for her. our journey hasnt been an easy experience yet
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
memories of Dubai and India
here lies the email I sent out while on the road. at this stage i'd left italy and arrived in dubai. from dubai i flew to india.
heyhey lovers. here goes the latest on my travels. i started taking malarone the day before i flew into india, so while i was in dubai. instantly my vision grew super sensitive, my tongues gotten think and swollen-like, i have no appetite, my hearing is super acute, im an insomniac and when i do catch some shut eye i have super crazy nightmares. ah holy moly. ive done some research and all these symptoms are reported and deemed normal. so, here starts the most bizarrely unfolding experience.
on a more positive note lets get into what ive been seeing and doing and feeling.
dubai was totally wacko. it shines, literally. everywhere you look theres material / superficial beauty. i could have eaten off the airport floors, the shops were all dazzled and huge, washrooms etc. the vision to give of dubai is this - theres two sides to dubai which are both built up w crazy tall buildings, most of which are unoccupied. then in the centre - between the buildings (approx 25 min drive) is flat. there is the big palm tree which lures out into the ocean built up to the nines. because its a muslim country, public drinking isnot allowed so to get around it everyone drinks in hotels which is the only place booze is available. the hotels are gor.geous. the people hanging out at the hotels are gor.geous. everyone is perfectly put together. all the cars look like they just drove out of a car wash. dubai.
emirates is the nicest and most luxurious airplane i have ever been on. the women dress in a full get up, resembling the visions of royalty. their massive planes with so many service details its almost too much. from towel service to water before take off, to complementary booze of any kind, menus for food (including 3-4 options). the washrooms are kept super clean, smelling of perfumes. all movies are western. all tv shows and music stations local. emirates.
just before landing in india i was struck by complete culture shock. custom cards are in english. i was the only white person on the plane (not that if your white your fluent in english) and i was one of 3 woman on a massive sized plane. from my seat i could count 4 or 5 people who were able to fill out their cards. the man beside me had to ask several people to borrow theirs so he could fill his out and he still hadnt completed his card when we landed.
im not sure inida's population but there is no like hardly a smigit of electricity from my birds eye view. my mouth stayed open in awe for what felt like weeks, wondering how the heck the pilot knew where to gear down. ah yes - ive come to think pilots should receive equal compensation to doctors. if we dont pay our pilots top dollar then we wont have the best of the best and pilots need to be the best of the best.
so, we gear down and im met by this cute dude whos holding a sign w my name - oh and another eye opener, everyone's luggage comprised of boxes, held together w rope or packing tape. that was it - no other pieces of luggage other then my hiking bag.
arriving in a foreign place in the dark on malarone is a wee bit trippy. yaba. it was a magical experience to open my door with the light to see my surroundings. i felt at peace. my place is an individual bungalow and its really lovely. i am the only guest here. yes, the one and only and it has so many different feelings tied to it. its a wee bit creepy to be in this separate house in a village i don't know from adam but in the same breath its personal and freeing and truly wonderful. there are probably 25 staff who i smile with and share brief conversations. the food is delicious.
today my driver and my escort took me to south east india's largest hindu temple. i wasn't allowed inside the temple but i allowed in the gates and to walk its surroundings. large pools of black water surrounds the worship where people bath before entering. hindus believe that god is in the temple and they must be clean for him , when he see's them. they also believe that it is where they come to get energy. people were sleeping all around the temple, taking in as much energy from god as they could.
as we left the temple, surrounded by many many people the biggest palm branch came flying down and landed a millimetre from my head. i felt the swoosh of the branch pass me as it hit the ground. everyone started cheering and clapping, saying god has saved me. i laugh while i type. amazing.
i was then taken to an elephant park. elephants are very sacred here and are used in ceremonies and at the temples. they dress them up in vibrant colors and jewels and have them participate in the action. it was a bit unnerving to see so many elephants tied to trees, swaying back and forth almost in a dance dreaming of freedom. but, my western attitudes cant interject and likely shouldnt. this taught me about opening my mind to other peoples way of life. not to change them or judge them but to look deeper and feel the life each and everyones living, together wherever they are in the world, with whatever their use to.
im doing 1.5 hours of yoga each day at 4:30. a lovely 24 year old lady whos a naturopathic doctor. her techniques focus on concentration and deep relaxation. its wonderful. oh my, i almost forgot about the craziest massage i had yesterday, of which i will do again tomorrow and another time before i head to goa. so oils, hot hot oils are massaged into my hair, face etc., and two people massage me on this huge wooden table. you end up slithering around, so funny. then they light this huge wooden tank (flamed newspapers were flying all around the room and i kept saying...are we ok...everything ok..giving the thumbs up sign.eekk). i get into this wooden tank and sit on a stool - they cover the tank leaving a small hole for my head which is wrapped in a towel and tadaa an ancient steam bath. dude, i lasted for a total of 4 minutes (which even that was pushing it) and i was like ya...no...this is just not gunna work. it was super intense. malarone or claustrophobia ?!
my thought for today: most of my best photos have been taken when i turn around.
catch me if you can 0x
heyhey lovers. here goes the latest on my travels. i started taking malarone the day before i flew into india, so while i was in dubai. instantly my vision grew super sensitive, my tongues gotten think and swollen-like, i have no appetite, my hearing is super acute, im an insomniac and when i do catch some shut eye i have super crazy nightmares. ah holy moly. ive done some research and all these symptoms are reported and deemed normal. so, here starts the most bizarrely unfolding experience.
on a more positive note lets get into what ive been seeing and doing and feeling.
dubai was totally wacko. it shines, literally. everywhere you look theres material / superficial beauty. i could have eaten off the airport floors, the shops were all dazzled and huge, washrooms etc. the vision to give of dubai is this - theres two sides to dubai which are both built up w crazy tall buildings, most of which are unoccupied. then in the centre - between the buildings (approx 25 min drive) is flat. there is the big palm tree which lures out into the ocean built up to the nines. because its a muslim country, public drinking isnot allowed so to get around it everyone drinks in hotels which is the only place booze is available. the hotels are gor.geous. the people hanging out at the hotels are gor.geous. everyone is perfectly put together. all the cars look like they just drove out of a car wash. dubai.
emirates is the nicest and most luxurious airplane i have ever been on. the women dress in a full get up, resembling the visions of royalty. their massive planes with so many service details its almost too much. from towel service to water before take off, to complementary booze of any kind, menus for food (including 3-4 options). the washrooms are kept super clean, smelling of perfumes. all movies are western. all tv shows and music stations local. emirates.
just before landing in india i was struck by complete culture shock. custom cards are in english. i was the only white person on the plane (not that if your white your fluent in english) and i was one of 3 woman on a massive sized plane. from my seat i could count 4 or 5 people who were able to fill out their cards. the man beside me had to ask several people to borrow theirs so he could fill his out and he still hadnt completed his card when we landed.
im not sure inida's population but there is no like hardly a smigit of electricity from my birds eye view. my mouth stayed open in awe for what felt like weeks, wondering how the heck the pilot knew where to gear down. ah yes - ive come to think pilots should receive equal compensation to doctors. if we dont pay our pilots top dollar then we wont have the best of the best and pilots need to be the best of the best.
so, we gear down and im met by this cute dude whos holding a sign w my name - oh and another eye opener, everyone's luggage comprised of boxes, held together w rope or packing tape. that was it - no other pieces of luggage other then my hiking bag.
arriving in a foreign place in the dark on malarone is a wee bit trippy. yaba. it was a magical experience to open my door with the light to see my surroundings. i felt at peace. my place is an individual bungalow and its really lovely. i am the only guest here. yes, the one and only and it has so many different feelings tied to it. its a wee bit creepy to be in this separate house in a village i don't know from adam but in the same breath its personal and freeing and truly wonderful. there are probably 25 staff who i smile with and share brief conversations. the food is delicious.
today my driver and my escort took me to south east india's largest hindu temple. i wasn't allowed inside the temple but i allowed in the gates and to walk its surroundings. large pools of black water surrounds the worship where people bath before entering. hindus believe that god is in the temple and they must be clean for him , when he see's them. they also believe that it is where they come to get energy. people were sleeping all around the temple, taking in as much energy from god as they could.
as we left the temple, surrounded by many many people the biggest palm branch came flying down and landed a millimetre from my head. i felt the swoosh of the branch pass me as it hit the ground. everyone started cheering and clapping, saying god has saved me. i laugh while i type. amazing.
i was then taken to an elephant park. elephants are very sacred here and are used in ceremonies and at the temples. they dress them up in vibrant colors and jewels and have them participate in the action. it was a bit unnerving to see so many elephants tied to trees, swaying back and forth almost in a dance dreaming of freedom. but, my western attitudes cant interject and likely shouldnt. this taught me about opening my mind to other peoples way of life. not to change them or judge them but to look deeper and feel the life each and everyones living, together wherever they are in the world, with whatever their use to.
im doing 1.5 hours of yoga each day at 4:30. a lovely 24 year old lady whos a naturopathic doctor. her techniques focus on concentration and deep relaxation. its wonderful. oh my, i almost forgot about the craziest massage i had yesterday, of which i will do again tomorrow and another time before i head to goa. so oils, hot hot oils are massaged into my hair, face etc., and two people massage me on this huge wooden table. you end up slithering around, so funny. then they light this huge wooden tank (flamed newspapers were flying all around the room and i kept saying...are we ok...everything ok..giving the thumbs up sign.eekk). i get into this wooden tank and sit on a stool - they cover the tank leaving a small hole for my head which is wrapped in a towel and tadaa an ancient steam bath. dude, i lasted for a total of 4 minutes (which even that was pushing it) and i was like ya...no...this is just not gunna work. it was super intense. malarone or claustrophobia ?!
my thought for today: most of my best photos have been taken when i turn around.
catch me if you can 0x
Monday, March 1, 2010
let's get into it
a new day, new thoughts. let's go. U2 plays as i type...with or without you...red wine's turned to water and the last remnants of a 6" sub lingers. new light was shed 3 days ago and its changed my life. input thats taken a bold and instinctive individual to bring to light. theres nothing like timing eh. i've been waiting for his words for years. are you in the game? have the stands become comfortable? do you watch the players on the court and think," man, i've got better moves then those fools! that should be me down there."
two realms of life starts to paint a picture.
work and love.
work. lets go. i've been told, by the king kong, the lion of lions, the alpha heights that if i want to rule the domain, its my osyter. and, as he speaks i know its true. i mean, we can all conquer, achieve, take on, accomplish SO much more then we're doing at this very minute and, we dont. why? whats holding us back? what is going on within each and everyone of us that stops full progression? lets get personal. i started working at a resto in the downtown core over a month ago. it feels like i've been there forever but in the same breath, everything feels super new, extremely frustrating and ultimately i feel intensely vulnerable. a newness i'm having a hard time embracing. but, in my previous career i rode the top platform and felt the same way. i was the "it" - making more money then i knew that to do with and, at the end of the day i couldnt wait for what was next. i dreamed about hitting the open road with a tent and backpack. and i did. yes to the open road. now, i'm at the bottom, starting again, taking on something completely new...and, i want to run -just like i did in my previous career. i want to give up. throw the towel in with a powerful thump and exit through two large doors that immediatly close with a pow. i mean, why should i give something my all when i know in my hearts of hearts its transitional? or is that train of thought, the train of it being transitional, something weve told ourselves all things in life are and will always be. i'm in the stands, i know. and you are too. have we approached our whole lives this way?
have i taken the stand seat because everything superficially comes easy that ive become unable to stick it out and give it the grease im now realzing life demands. have i been riding the coat tails of easiness as oppose to conducting the orchestra? my fear, which i feel is a common thread is that if i really give it my all, really get engrossed in this life i'll be lead to suffering, to loss, to dissapointment; to annoying co workers, to family demands, to a life that runs itself without any participation.well, i dont want that...so we give only small amounts of ourselves to the big picture. im not meaning to get all down and glum and wa wa styles but if were really going to go there, thens lets go there. i know that everything's all good. right. were all doing our thing and living life. good days bad days but whos really living out there true passion? whos waking up and feeling pumped to give it their all? so, to loop this back to where i started, im going to get in the game. so what if this new work environments only for a short time. if i get into it and give it my all then new doors will open. give it your all. if your giving it your all and not smiling...get the fuck out. walk away today...right now. pack your office up while booking the next flight to peru and walk it out. giver.
love. lets go there. do we coast...give only little bits of ourselves to either way too many people or to one person, and not fully present. like, "ya, the sex is ok" "most times when we chat its alright" "i havent grown as a person for the last little while but were happy" dude, pack and take the dog. are you in the stands or on the court? figure it out - lifes too short. spending time in your own companys actually really enjoyable. try it.
i cant tell you how thankful i am, as well as kinda turned on by the individual who brought all this to light. i've never spend the time to realize my true strengths.it doesnt happen overnight and no one can provide you the time. if your dreams are made through the hopes of someone else they can be that easily removed. if you build them yourself no one can take them away from you.
lets do this. catch me if you can 0x
two realms of life starts to paint a picture.
work and love.
work. lets go. i've been told, by the king kong, the lion of lions, the alpha heights that if i want to rule the domain, its my osyter. and, as he speaks i know its true. i mean, we can all conquer, achieve, take on, accomplish SO much more then we're doing at this very minute and, we dont. why? whats holding us back? what is going on within each and everyone of us that stops full progression? lets get personal. i started working at a resto in the downtown core over a month ago. it feels like i've been there forever but in the same breath, everything feels super new, extremely frustrating and ultimately i feel intensely vulnerable. a newness i'm having a hard time embracing. but, in my previous career i rode the top platform and felt the same way. i was the "it" - making more money then i knew that to do with and, at the end of the day i couldnt wait for what was next. i dreamed about hitting the open road with a tent and backpack. and i did. yes to the open road. now, i'm at the bottom, starting again, taking on something completely new...and, i want to run -just like i did in my previous career. i want to give up. throw the towel in with a powerful thump and exit through two large doors that immediatly close with a pow. i mean, why should i give something my all when i know in my hearts of hearts its transitional? or is that train of thought, the train of it being transitional, something weve told ourselves all things in life are and will always be. i'm in the stands, i know. and you are too. have we approached our whole lives this way?
have i taken the stand seat because everything superficially comes easy that ive become unable to stick it out and give it the grease im now realzing life demands. have i been riding the coat tails of easiness as oppose to conducting the orchestra? my fear, which i feel is a common thread is that if i really give it my all, really get engrossed in this life i'll be lead to suffering, to loss, to dissapointment; to annoying co workers, to family demands, to a life that runs itself without any participation.well, i dont want that...so we give only small amounts of ourselves to the big picture. im not meaning to get all down and glum and wa wa styles but if were really going to go there, thens lets go there. i know that everything's all good. right. were all doing our thing and living life. good days bad days but whos really living out there true passion? whos waking up and feeling pumped to give it their all? so, to loop this back to where i started, im going to get in the game. so what if this new work environments only for a short time. if i get into it and give it my all then new doors will open. give it your all. if your giving it your all and not smiling...get the fuck out. walk away today...right now. pack your office up while booking the next flight to peru and walk it out. giver.
love. lets go there. do we coast...give only little bits of ourselves to either way too many people or to one person, and not fully present. like, "ya, the sex is ok" "most times when we chat its alright" "i havent grown as a person for the last little while but were happy" dude, pack and take the dog. are you in the stands or on the court? figure it out - lifes too short. spending time in your own companys actually really enjoyable. try it.
i cant tell you how thankful i am, as well as kinda turned on by the individual who brought all this to light. i've never spend the time to realize my true strengths.it doesnt happen overnight and no one can provide you the time. if your dreams are made through the hopes of someone else they can be that easily removed. if you build them yourself no one can take them away from you.
lets do this. catch me if you can 0x
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